Is it just me, or as the bar gets closer, is a dollar worth less and less, so that everyday I'm more willing than I was the day before, to spend more money in preparation for the bar.
Everytime someone from BarBri tells me about an extra class I can pay to take, or book I can buy, I think of the old
America's Most Wanted epsiodes, where some deadbeat in Florida scammed some 80 year-old war widow for everything she was worth, claiming to either be helping her get in on a prime real estate deal, or finding her long-lost child. I can almost hear the menacing "bad guy music" playing in the background, while Robert Stack asks "if you or anybody you know has any information on the whereabouts of [insert BarBri rep's name here]..."
But it wasn't always like this...
Two or three months ago, when a professor at my school who also lectures for BarBri said, "By the way, some of you may want to consider taking my Essay Advantage class this summer," I thought to myself
suck it, dude. I got this far without your help, and I already know how to write an essay. You're not getting another dime from me.Yesterday I got a phone call from BarBri... or at least it was someone purporting to be from BarBri, though he kept refusing to tell me his name or how he got my cell phone number (since BarBri only has my house number), his number showed up blocked on my cell, and I'm pretty sure he was covering the phone to laugh on more than one occasion throughout the phone call. Anyway, I record all my phone conversations, so here's the transcript:
Anonymous Caller: Hi, Jason. We here a BarBri know that you're working really hard, and that as the bar gets closer, you may want to find some more supplements to help you prepare. But we also know that there's not always enough time for more supplements, so around this time of summer, we try to offer our students a few more alternative, affordable means of preparing.
Me: I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?
Caller: Jason, do you want to pass the bar this month?
Me: Well, yeah.
Caller: Did you know that last year over 85% of the people that took BarBri passed the bar?
Me: No, but what was your name, again?
Caller: Jason, those numbers don't lie. But do you know what those students who passed did to pass?
Me: Besides study?
Caller: Ha! That's great, Jason. I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor, like so many of the other students I've talked to have. That's how I know you're a smart guy, and you're not gonna pass up a deal like the one I'm about to offer you.
Me: Thanks.
Caller: Jason, what do you know about magic beans?
Me: Excuse me?
Caller: You heard me, Jason.
Magic beans... guaranteed to make you pass the bar.
Me: I don't understand.
Caller: Neither do we Jason. That's how we know they're magic. And they work all the time... so you don't have to.
Me: You want me to buy beans to pass the bar?
Caller: For only $300, you'd be a fool not to. The beans don't lie, Jason. If you buy these beans you will pass the bar.
Me: Sounds like it would be a waste of $300
not to buy them! How soon do you need the money?
Caller: I can take a credit card number over the phone right now and process it, and you can have your beans in just 4 days, and be on your way to a successful law career.
Me: Gimme a second to get my card. (I get my credit card and read him my digits)
Caller: Jason, do you have a limit on this card?
Me: Yes, but I've got about $5,ooo left on it.
Caller: Great. Now, should I also put you down for the blue smoke and the copper magnet?
Me: Are they extra?
Caller: Only $250.
Me: I don't know. I already have to...
Caller: I should tell you Jason that the beans aren't guaranteed to work without the smoke and the magnet.
Me: I don't understand. I thought that copper wasn't even magnetic.
Caller: Of course it's not.
That's why you need the special copper magnet, and
that's what makes the magic beans work... after you let them sit in the blue smoke for two weeks, of course.
Me: Oh. I think that I should probably thi...
Caller: Jason, could you hold on for a minute, my boss is trying to get my attention for a minute. (caller leaves for a minute, and returns) Jason, my boss says we're running out of the copper magnets and the blue smoke, and that after today we can't even guarantee anyone that we'll have them back in inventory before July 26.
Me: OK! I'll take them. I'll definitely take them.
Caller: Perfect. So I'll put you down for one set of New York beans.
Me: But I'm also taking the Jersey bar.
Caller: Oh, man. I wish I had known that earlier, I would have called you sooner. Jersey beans are harder to come by. Lemme go check and see if we have any Jersey beans left. (caller leaves and returns shortly) Jason, you're in luck. I am presently holding onto the last set of Jersey beans. Do want them for $300?
Me: I guess I better. Do I need more blue smoke and another copper magnet?
Caller: Jason, don't be silly. We're not trying to run some kinda
scam here. The smoke and the magnet is good for both the Jersey annd the New York bar.
Me: Then I definitely want it!
Caller: Great! By the way Jason, I see here that you commute.
Me: How does BarBri know that I commute?
Caller: Jason, when was the last time you changed the air in your tires of your car?
Me: Why would I do that?
Caller:
Why would you do that? To keep it from going stale, of course!
Me: The air in my tires goes stale?
Caller: After a few years, yes. And with the temperature fluctuating like has been this summer, your tires are especially vulnerable to stale air. And with stale air in your tires, you could be
on your way to the bar exam; next thing you know: your tires don't work, and you miss the exam.
Me: I had no idea!
Caller: Jason, BarBri has a service, just for commuters, where we will come to your house at night while you're sleeping, so not to intrude on your studying, and change the air in your tires. I can offer you this service, as a package deal for already buying the magic beans, the blue smoke, and the copper magnet, for just an additional $100.
Me: I'll take it!
Caller: I knew you would, because I can tell just from talking to you that you're a smart guy, Jason. Jason, do you have a vault in your house, where you keep any valuables?
Me: Yes.
Caller: Great. This is what we need you to do, in order for us to change the air in your tires: Leave a key to your house under the mat on your front door. Leave a key to your car in the vault, and give the combination to the vault to me, now.
Me: Why do you need my keys to change the air in my tires?
Caller: Jason, you ask a lot of smart questions, and that's how I know you're gonna pass this exam, and make a great lawyer. The simple answer to your question is: It's complicated. I'm not a mechanic so I don't know how this stuff works, but lemme tell you something: Because I work at BarBri, I get a a discount on these services, and since I've gotten the air changed in my tires, my tires always work.
Me: OK, but can't I just leave my car keys outside then, instead of leaving them in the vault?
Caller: Well yeah, I suppose you could, if you're comfortable doing that. The thing is, Jason, there's a lot of dishonest people out there, and leaving you car keys outside your house might not be as safe as leaving them in your vault with your valuables, and giving me the combination to the vault.
Me: I guess that makes sense.
Caller: Of course it does,
to you! You're a smart guy! So do we have a deal?