BarBri Beans
Is it just me, or as the bar gets closer, is a dollar worth less and less, so that everyday I'm more willing than I was the day before, to spend more money in preparation for the bar.
Everytime someone from BarBri tells me about an extra class I can pay to take, or book I can buy, I think of the old America's Most Wanted epsiodes, where some deadbeat in Florida scammed some 80 year-old war widow for everything she was worth, claiming to either be helping her get in on a prime real estate deal, or finding her long-lost child. I can almost hear the menacing "bad guy music" playing in the background, while Robert Stack asks "if you or anybody you know has any information on the whereabouts of [insert BarBri rep's name here]..."
But it wasn't always like this...
Two or three months ago, when a professor at my school who also lectures for BarBri said, "By the way, some of you may want to consider taking my Essay Advantage class this summer," I thought to myself suck it, dude. I got this far without your help, and I already know how to write an essay. You're not getting another dime from me.
Yesterday I got a phone call from BarBri... or at least it was someone purporting to be from BarBri, though he kept refusing to tell me his name or how he got my cell phone number (since BarBri only has my house number), his number showed up blocked on my cell, and I'm pretty sure he was covering the phone to laugh on more than one occasion throughout the phone call. Anyway, I record all my phone conversations, so here's the transcript:
Anonymous Caller: Hi, Jason. We here a BarBri know that you're working really hard, and that as the bar gets closer, you may want to find some more supplements to help you prepare. But we also know that there's not always enough time for more supplements, so around this time of summer, we try to offer our students a few more alternative, affordable means of preparing.
Me: I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?
Caller: Jason, do you want to pass the bar this month?
Me: Well, yeah.
Caller: Did you know that last year over 85% of the people that took BarBri passed the bar?
Me: No, but what was your name, again?
Caller: Jason, those numbers don't lie. But do you know what those students who passed did to pass?
Me: Besides study?
Caller: Ha! That's great, Jason. I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor, like so many of the other students I've talked to have. That's how I know you're a smart guy, and you're not gonna pass up a deal like the one I'm about to offer you.
Me: Thanks.
Caller: Jason, what do you know about magic beans?
Me: Excuse me?
Caller: You heard me, Jason. Magic beans... guaranteed to make you pass the bar.
Me: I don't understand.
Caller: Neither do we Jason. That's how we know they're magic. And they work all the time... so you don't have to.
Me: You want me to buy beans to pass the bar?
Caller: For only $300, you'd be a fool not to. The beans don't lie, Jason. If you buy these beans you will pass the bar.
Me: Sounds like it would be a waste of $300 not to buy them! How soon do you need the money?
Caller: I can take a credit card number over the phone right now and process it, and you can have your beans in just 4 days, and be on your way to a successful law career.
Me: Gimme a second to get my card. (I get my credit card and read him my digits)
Caller: Jason, do you have a limit on this card?
Me: Yes, but I've got about $5,ooo left on it.
Caller: Great. Now, should I also put you down for the blue smoke and the copper magnet?
Me: Are they extra?
Caller: Only $250.
Me: I don't know. I already have to...
Caller: I should tell you Jason that the beans aren't guaranteed to work without the smoke and the magnet.
Me: I don't understand. I thought that copper wasn't even magnetic.
Caller: Of course it's not. That's why you need the special copper magnet, and that's what makes the magic beans work... after you let them sit in the blue smoke for two weeks, of course.
Me: Oh. I think that I should probably thi...
Caller: Jason, could you hold on for a minute, my boss is trying to get my attention for a minute. (caller leaves for a minute, and returns) Jason, my boss says we're running out of the copper magnets and the blue smoke, and that after today we can't even guarantee anyone that we'll have them back in inventory before July 26.
Me: OK! I'll take them. I'll definitely take them.
Caller: Perfect. So I'll put you down for one set of New York beans.
Me: But I'm also taking the Jersey bar.
Caller: Oh, man. I wish I had known that earlier, I would have called you sooner. Jersey beans are harder to come by. Lemme go check and see if we have any Jersey beans left. (caller leaves and returns shortly) Jason, you're in luck. I am presently holding onto the last set of Jersey beans. Do want them for $300?
Me: I guess I better. Do I need more blue smoke and another copper magnet?
Caller: Jason, don't be silly. We're not trying to run some kinda scam here. The smoke and the magnet is good for both the Jersey annd the New York bar.
Me: Then I definitely want it!
Caller: Great! By the way Jason, I see here that you commute.
Me: How does BarBri know that I commute?
Caller: Jason, when was the last time you changed the air in your tires of your car?
Me: Why would I do that?
Caller: Why would you do that? To keep it from going stale, of course!
Me: The air in my tires goes stale?
Caller: After a few years, yes. And with the temperature fluctuating like has been this summer, your tires are especially vulnerable to stale air. And with stale air in your tires, you could be on your way to the bar exam; next thing you know: your tires don't work, and you miss the exam.
Me: I had no idea!
Caller: Jason, BarBri has a service, just for commuters, where we will come to your house at night while you're sleeping, so not to intrude on your studying, and change the air in your tires. I can offer you this service, as a package deal for already buying the magic beans, the blue smoke, and the copper magnet, for just an additional $100.
Me: I'll take it!
Caller: I knew you would, because I can tell just from talking to you that you're a smart guy, Jason. Jason, do you have a vault in your house, where you keep any valuables?
Me: Yes.
Caller: Great. This is what we need you to do, in order for us to change the air in your tires: Leave a key to your house under the mat on your front door. Leave a key to your car in the vault, and give the combination to the vault to me, now.
Me: Why do you need my keys to change the air in my tires?
Caller: Jason, you ask a lot of smart questions, and that's how I know you're gonna pass this exam, and make a great lawyer. The simple answer to your question is: It's complicated. I'm not a mechanic so I don't know how this stuff works, but lemme tell you something: Because I work at BarBri, I get a a discount on these services, and since I've gotten the air changed in my tires, my tires always work.
Me: OK, but can't I just leave my car keys outside then, instead of leaving them in the vault?
Caller: Well yeah, I suppose you could, if you're comfortable doing that. The thing is, Jason, there's a lot of dishonest people out there, and leaving you car keys outside your house might not be as safe as leaving them in your vault with your valuables, and giving me the combination to the vault.
Me: I guess that makes sense.
Caller: Of course it does, to you! You're a smart guy! So do we have a deal?
Jerk wrote this instead of exercising @ 6:23 PM
10 Comments:
Absolutely brilliant - and exactly how I feel about BarBri! Thanks for the much needed study break!
Hey I bought those beans in January. I got a dicounted price because I'm a rep, but I heard that you can apply for a discount if you don't have a job yet or recieved under 130 on the sample MBE- Danielle
Oh man! Those were water bottles? I totally thought those were for in case we had to pee in the last 15 minutes when no one was supposed to get up!
wait...why didn't i get a phone call!? is everyone getting these magic beans, blue smoke, and copper magnets?! does this mean i'm not going to pass? why am i always the last to know about these things! i can't be the only one without them! now where's my credit card and barbri's telephone number.
This cracked me up ... I can identify with the tendency to spend money like crazy on crap that may or may not be useful ("I may need this Sam's Club Sized pain reliever at the Bar Exam! You never know how painful those three days could be!"). Although our Bar Bri does not offer any supplemental crap, just the course. We also don't get essay comments back or any of those other things you guys are always going on about in the CalBar blogs, which as a result are really not that reassuring on the whole preparation comparison front. My state also does not have any bar blogs that I know of, but I think that is because we only have about 250 people taking the Bar in this - a really big - year. In a state where everybody knows everybody there is a tendency to keep things like Bar Anxiety from the masses, because around here it would take about three weeks tops for everybody in both BarBri classes to know about it ... then as a result all of your profs, exes, friends of siblings, clerkship coworkers, judges and Lord knows who else would be reading all of your posts and chatting about your comments as a way to make themselves feel better at the next wedding or on somebody's porch on a drunken Saturday night. You would be right there with the person on Law Review who does not pass, that happens every four years or so when someone freaks out or drinks bourbon for breakfast on the day of the exam or some crazy combo of both ... a tale to tell until the next big public embarrassment, something to hold folks over until the news of the character and fitness hearings leaks out and something that would come up over and over again every time you went to court or something exciting happened for the rest of your whole damn career. Yep, a bar blogger around here would have to have some balls ... which is probably why I come out here and read what y'all have to say instead.
Just realized you are actually in NY ... sorry folks, sometimes all of those big coastal bar blogs just blend together :). Good luck out there, either way, and please accept my sincere thanks for the funny posts ... we may not have our own bloggers, but your "Dear Fun" post has gotten a hell of a lot of mileage around here anyway.
anonynous, if that really is your name, i'm dying to know what state you're taking the bar in!!! 250 people? what state is that? or will telling us that reveal your ID now that you've just poured your heart out in a comment?
i think there's prolly that many people in my class that nobody likes!
but in some respects you may sometimes have it better than us. if everybody in your class is afraid of being judged, they prolly don't come in everyday and brag about how many problems they did last night, and how many they got right. or even worse are the know-it-alls that are always saying "oh man, i really gotta start studying. i haven't done any work yet." i hate those f'n people.
"they prolly don't come in everyday and brag about how many problems they did last night, and how many they got right."
Is that a joke? I hope that's a joke.
If not, you should carry a squirt gun to class and when anyone does that, squirt them in the face. When they ask why, say, "Oh, YOU know why." People will eventually start figuring out the connection.
Unfortunately we do have two of those "I owned the Property multiple choice last night" folks in our BarBri class. And you are right, everybody hates them ... but in a small state you do get some satisfaction in knowing that everyone feels as hostile towards them as you do, which can be helpful at times. And in the case of these two fools it is also helpful to know that they are blissfully unaware of the fact that pretty much everyone in class knows they are sleeping together, which lessens the guilt about whatever spiteful thought I tend to have when they are going on about how clever they are. Plus, a small state means an even smaller bar so it also helps to know that the deadly combination of being a self-righteous know-it-all AND an adulturous hypocrite means neither one of those two folks will make a lot of money from referrals around here. When you have a small bar it also helps to remember that the odds are EXTREMELY high that your classmates today will be your judge, or your bar discipline hearing chair, or a primary source of supplemental income, or even your law partner in about ten years ... and if you can't think that far out, know that between the folks in the room someone out there has clerked for or knows someone at pretty much every law firm in the state and the vast majority of firms around here don't hire new lawyers until they know who has passed the bar. Which is why the "I have not really started working on much yet" folks don't tend too say much ... even if they do pass, no one wants to hire a slacker. All of which means you are probably right that folks tend to be a bit more courteous and cautious then they probably would be in bigger states ... long memories mean bad behavior has long consequences!
Anonymous -
It may be more trouble than it's worth for you to start your own blog, but I'm more than happy to have your pseudo blog cleverly disguised as comments on mine! your shit is funny as hell.
p.s.
listen to GG... squirt them with water gun.
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