A Strongly Worded Letter to Phish Fans Who Hate On Dave Matthews

Stop it. Your hatred is misplaced. Don't misunderstand me - I can accept that some people just don't care for DMB's music, and that some even hate it, but then would you please be secure enough to just say you don't like their music. There are some amongst you, whose hatred is so perverse and unqualified, that you feel compelled to make up up bullishit reason for it, other than simply not liking their music. I am now left with no choice but to out you.

There is a movement among Phish fans towards bashing DMB - claiming they suck, they have no talent, they're lame, etc. But ask proponents of this view a few Tucker-Carlson-style pointed questions, and the roots of this resentment begin to surface - and the proponent is usually the first to trip over said roots. Here's a good question to start with: "What don't you like about DMB?" To this, you may recieve any variation on one of the following two responses: 1) "They're too college-y;" or 2) "They try to rip off Phish with their jams."(this reply can be used interchangebly with "they have no talent.")

In response to the former: You are the worst music critic of all. "College-y" is nothing more than a pretentious euphamism for "trendy" or "popular." Granted, there may be more "real" hippies at a Phish concert than at a Dave concert, but if you think Phish's music is more popular among any demographic than it is among college students, you are either A) retarded, B) a bubble boy, or C) blind and desperately in need of a new guide and braile instructor.

In reponse to the latter (and this is the most common reply): If you consider "jam-band" the exclusive province of Phish, you are helplessly retarded. My suggestion to you is to buy a catcher's mask, the chest guard, some shin and elbow pads, and oven mits - and don't take them off because you need all the protection form the rest of the world that you can get. Also, avoid shoes with wheels on them and people who use them.

I will remind you that long before Phish there was a band - indeed, a few bands - with a reputation for hosting long, unstructured improvisatory sessions. Maybe you've heard of them. They were called The Grateful Dead. And I remember a time, in Phish's earlier years, when Phish fans were persistently harassed by Dead fans, who thought Phish was encroaching on the Dead's territory, or even ripping off the Dead. For a Phish fan to now turn around, and seek to belittle another band and its fanbase for the same reasons is as ridiculous as Rosa Parks suggesting that all the Mulattos sit in the back of the bus. You're like the cliched self-hating Jew... but of hippie-dom. Hey, here's a few more bands that were hosting long jam sessions long before Trey wrote "I've gotta hand it to you - you've got a lot of heart:" Santana, Jimi Hendrix Experience, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and lest we forget, The Brothers, Allman. Before any of them, there was anther guy who was really into improvising... I don't remember his name, but I'm pretty sure it rhymed with Miles Davis... maybe you've heard of him. Oh - and about 200 years before that guy there was this Austrian guy who... tell ya what... you fill in the blanks and see if you can guess who this musician was that was also an extraordinary improvisor: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozar_.

In case you're not sold yet, and still think Dave Matthews Band has no talent, I'll remind you that Dave has a successful solo career and that Trey is now only 1/5 of "and Friends." If you said "But what about Oysterhead," you can stop reading now - although I'm surprised you even made it this far. Actually, no, don't leave. I have a great idea for a TV show I'd like to pitch to you. It's a spin-off of The Three Stooges, but instead of having Larry, Curly, and Moe, there's just three Moes. Does that sound interesting to you? Of course not. So why would Oysterhead be interesting? Make no mistake - talented as he may be, Les Claypool's longest lasting contribution to music is going to be the Theme from South Park, and if Stewart Copeland could go back to the 80's and do it all over again, he'd have his name legally changed to "Sting's Drummer," before he'd quit The Police. OK, OK, so maybe you just like rock trios. Here's a list of rock trios, any one of which is better than Oysterhead: Nirvana, The Police, The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Cream, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, Grand Funk Railroad... even ZZ Top and Rush were better than Oysterhead. As a fraction of "and Friends," don't forget that Dave Matthews also now signs Trey's pay check.

Please, don't get me wrong. I like Phish. It's you I don't like because you've made me do this.

Here's another way you can try to gauge any band's talent - by seeing what other musicians want to play with them. I know that Phish has had a few heavies join them on stage, but Carlos Sanatana was still between careers when he recorded "You Enjoy Myself" with them, and the Giant Country Horns never quite made it - hell - Phish even sold out Giant Country for Tower of Power, first chance they got. Check you're liner notes if you have to, cuz that's an obscure reference. Hey, do you know why Tower of Power was available to record with Phish? Because Huey Lewis and the News had stopped touring.

Hey, I'm speaking from experience here, too. When I was in high school, I went thru this really obnoxious phase where I thought that everything that wasn't jazz, was crap. I took that silly-ass attitude so far, that I traded in all my Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumkins, Lenny Kravitz, Beastie Boys, and Red Hot Chili Pepper CDs, just to name a few. Guess what I traded them in for... MORE JAZZ CDs! What do I have to show for it now? Nothing... unless I end up hosting a wine and cheese party or something, because short of anyone that would ever throw or attend a wine and cheese party, I'm the only person who would ever be impressed by my jazz collection. In fact the, the only non-jazz CDs I held onto, were my Phish CDs!

But here's proof that I learned my lesson from that experience. I recently attended a John Mayer concert. First of all, I was the only guy there with facial hair, who wasn't there with a daughter. Also, I noticed a lot of girls I can only speculate were 12-15 years old, running around in low-rider jeans, with a thong strap way up under their shoulders. Now, I'm pretty sure that I'm on some kind of government watch list as a potential pedophile, because I also bought my tickets with a credit card. But I've not since said that John Mayer has no talent. I just won't go to his concerts anymore... thank you, Megan's Law.

Yes, I would say that your resentment is quite misplaced. What you actually hate is the people you have to put up at a Dave concert. And I'm totally with you, there. Going to their concerts sucks cuz you gotta put up with all these screaming, vomitting girls that can't hold their liquor, and their boyfriends, who, stuck in some kind of adolescent/post adolescent identity crisis, can't decide if they wanna be pretty or tough, so they wax their eyebrows, spend 45 minutes on their hair, and then go to the concert in a wife-beater and pick a fight with the guys tailgating next to them. I hate them, too, and trust me - you don't know shit about putting up with these guys 'til you've put up with them in Camden, NJ - recently emblazened "Most Dangerous City in the US," neighbor of Trenton, a city that turns out more assholes than Peter North, and just a stones throw away from Philly, home of the classiest fans of any kind, in the world.

So there you go. Now look in a mirror and say it: "Teeny-boppers and Zack Morris-y thugs suck." Don't take your agression towards the obnoxious people at his concerts, who annoy other fans like myself, out on the band. Cuz when you say the band sucks, when it's really just a bunch of people at their concert that sucks, you just sound like the squirrely kid in middle school who says he hates gym class, when what he really hates is changing in the locker room.

Think about it. And shut the fuck up.