11th Hour

You know how sometimes, you're doing questions and things are going really well and then WHAM!!! One fucking question breaks your whole stride, you stare at it for like 5 or 6 minutes, and it doesn't get any clearer. As bohemian as it sounds, sometimes, you really just need to take your eyes off the test and laugh to yourself for a minute.

So, if when you're taking the exam, you get caught in one of those moments, here are a few brief moments from TV and movies relevant to stuff on the exam. Not to suggest that they're substantively helpful, but if you can take a step back and think about any of them, they may be able to make you laugh for just a minute, which may help you get your mojo back on. I'm sure there's 1000 more, but these are just a few that come to mid right now. If you have a good one, post it!

In "My Cousin Vinnie," Joe Pesci's opening argument for his clients who were charged with murder was two sentences: Everything that guy just said... is bullshit. Thank you.

In "Liar, Liar," Jim Carrie is watching opposing counsel destroy Carrie's case on counsel's examination of a witness. (Remember: that the whole point of the movie is that Carrie was incapable of lying no matter how hard he tried) Carrie stands up and flamboyantly proclaims "Oh, objection, your Honor!" The judge replies with a puzzled look on his face, "On what grounds?" To which Carrie defiantly proclaims "It's devastating to my case!"

Also, while Carrie is later examing a witness, he accuses the witness of being involved in a love affair with a party to the case. Actually, that would have been acceptable. What he actually did was accuse the witness of "stuff[ing] her like a Thanksgiving turkey!" As soon as he finished the word "turkey" he began gobbling, and mime-ing doggie style.

On "The Simpsons," there's that attorney that's a fuckin' shark - not Lionel Hutz - but the guy that usually plays the prosecutor or high priced attorney. There's an episode when someone - I think Marge - is on trial for something. In his opening arguments, the attorney walks up to the jury box and asks them, "Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, who do you find more attractive: Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise?" The judge interrupts him and asks "What's the meaning of this?" To which he replies, "Your Honor, the prosecution is so confident of Mrs. Simpson's guilt, that we feel we can waste the court's time by rating the super-hunks!"

Another time, there was a probation hearing for Side Show Bob, and everybody was testifying about why he should not be released. Selma was testifying about how he tried to kill her. The same attorney, who was Side Show Bob's attorney this time, asks the court room in his cross examination, "How many people are thinking about killing her right now? Be honest." One by one everyone's hand goes up, including the jury's. I'm not sure why there was a jury at a probation hearing.

In one episode Apu's wife was thinking about divorcing him. She went to an attorney and asked him a question about being able to take Apu's pension. The lawyer maniacally replies "Aahh yes... that goes back to the case of Lawyers v Justice. That was a glorious day for us." When she mentions that they have 9 kids, he jumps up on his desk and does a tap dance.

Another time, something goes horribly wrong in some proceeding and Lionel Hutz moves for "a bad... court... thing-ee," to which the judge replies "A mistrial?" Hutz says "Yeah, that's it!"

Another time, Lionel Hutz is prepping the Simpsons for court and he says, "Uh oh. We got Judge Schneider." Marge asks "Is that bad?" He answers, "Well he's kinda had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. But replace accidentally with repeatedly, and replace dog with son."


...and on that note, in case I don't get to say so before we all feign sleep on Monday... Good luck to everybody! It's been absolutely awesome sharing in this horrible, horrible ordeal with so many people. Tear it up. Then afterwards, get drunk and make a public spectacle of yourself somewhere great. If anybody tries to impede on your celebration, poke him in the eye with your thumb Rick Flair style, run away, and carry on somewhere better. Also, may I suggest public nudity?


"See you on the other side, Ray..."