To The Guys That Work Out At My Gym:

That's not a growth on my shoulder.

It's my neck. And I rather enjoy having it.

I appreciate your concern for my bod, but I'm not interested in having yours. Please stop interupting my workout to offer me advice on how my workout can be changed, so I will look more like you. I'm just here to work out little bit, to blow off some steam, and to lose a few bad pounds and gain a few good ones, before I go on vacation at the end of this summer.

I'm not interested in "pushing it," my plans don't involve ever "maxing out," and I'm already "breathing." If I was interested in working out like you do, I'd start by waxing my chest, and developing really bad back acne... or in some cases, I'd staple a shag carpet to my back... then I could also get "PAIN" tattooed on my knuckles, to match your tattoos.

I'm not interested in what supplements you take... herbal or otherwise.

If I interrupted your workout to tell you, "Hey, if you lift a little less weight, do a few more reps, and stretch a little more, your form might improve, and you might not sound like you're making love to the weights in a manner that would make Tommy Lee blush, everytime you exhale," you'd think I was an asshole.

If you want to help someone, go help that guy holding onto the treadmill like it's a mechanical bull. He clearly doesn't know what he's doing... as opposed to me... who just doesn't do what you do.

Unlike you, this is not a lifestyle thing for me. It's just a hobby. And I don't mean that in a slanderous way... I just mean to say that we're different. I take studying as seriously as you take working out. But if I saw you reading a book on the train one day, and I snuck up from behind you, put my index finger against the page, and moved it along as we both read to ourselves, you'd think I was an asshole.

So once again, thanks, but no thanks. I'm not interested in how much more I could be lifting by the end of the summer, if I do what you say. I'm not interested in how much bigger your workout will make me.

But most of all, I just like having a neck.