Changes at All Bar Sites

So I was looking over the stuff we can and cannot bring to the exam, and it occured to me that they forgot a lot of things. So I wrote a strongly worded letter to the bar examiners. They have since promised the following things will also be allowed into the examination site:

A stress ball.

Barf bags.

A change of underpants.

A roll of quarters - to hold in your hand when you sucker punch the asshole sitting next to you who keeps tapping his foot or erasing in a manner that shakes the whole table.

The first ten people to arrive at each site will be given one of those little novelty cans that "moos" like a cow when you turn it upside down. While these might not sound very useful, think about it: if you're stuck on one of those questions where the call asks you "which of the following
would be most helpful in establishing his defense," and you don't even know what the cause of action is, and then you heard a faint "mmmooooo" from a remote corner of the room, you would laugh.

Water-wings to keep you from drowning in your frustration.

Astro-glide. Does anyone really need an explanation for this one? If so, I suggest visiting Tucker Max (link on the left) and reading this.

One jacket-a-straightening.

One water gun filled with urine, with which you can squirt any asshole who shows up to the exam in a Harvard, Yale, Columbia, etc. law school tee shirt.

One can of Axe Body Spray with which you can douse anybody that shows up in a fancy-pants law school shirt, when you know they don't not even go to said fancy-pants law school. Now everybody will know what a douchebag that guy is because nobody cool wears Axe Body Spray. Zing! I'd rather be soaked in urine. Even if the makers of Axe claimed that Axe has a chemical in it that makes the opposite sex attracted to you... I'd rather be sprayed with Smilex. (If I had thought of this earlier, I totally would have had a tee shirt made that just said "Fancy Pants Law School," and worn it all 3 days. Damn it.)

An easel and poster board - for that one fucking property question where there's 18 people involved; 27 transfers of property, including 12 mortgages, 6 gifts, and four assignments; only half the people record and only half of them record on time; the facts aren't even presented in chronological order; the bar examiners don't even have the decency to give everybody a name that begins with a different letter; and some people have names like Davis Brown, but instead of referring to him by only one of those names, they use them interchangeably, so that it reads "Davis mortgages to Bank," and then later says "Brown pays off the mortgage," whereupon you ask yourself, "who the fuck is Brown? And what the fuck ever happened to Davis's mortgage?"

A ball-gag for anyone who tries to talk to you about the exam during lunch or immediately after the second session.

Also, to accomodate those students who plan on pulling this exam out of their ass, the bar examiners have promised testing facilities where students can take the exam standing up. Seats are really limited for this, and expected to go fast, so hurry up and secure your space.

And for the end of the exam, students will be permitted to bring 1) a taser so you can fucking zap any inconsiderate piece of shit audacious enough to try to leave in the last 15 minutes and 2) a flask so you can get your drink on as soon as you put your pen down.