Tommy Aldridge Goes to NYLS

Talk about a goddam jip! It was bad enough that we didn't have a snow day today, and bad enough that when I got to school for my only class, I was informed that my professor wasn't coming to class today... But now they've just sent us to another class instead of just letting us go! So I'm sitting in this class right now. The girl sitting next to me looks like Tommy Aldridge - or at least - a groupie. If I had to guess, I'd imagine her morning routine involved hanging upside down in a contraption similar to the one that Bruce Wayne sleeps upside down like a bat in, while another Band-Aid holds a can of hairspray in each hand, in the same kind of stance that you use when you spray a hornet's nest - one foot as far foward as you can put it, but still leaning back with your head turned away, trying to not breathe in any mist and simulataneously trying to make sure you can still run away if you have to - flailing her arms like an otter at Sea World, while she teases "Tommy's" hair. That procedure would explain how "Tommy" gets her hair so tall, but to get it so wide, she must have somebody on each side of her, swinging her back and forth, still upside down, while she is doused in hairspray. After they tease her hair, I imagine someone hits her in the face, still hanging, with a pillowcase full of rouge and dark eyeshadow, producing a sound similar to that that a 10 lb bag a flour makes when you drop it on the floor - "PUHH!" What do you say to a person who looks like this? "Is this love?" Or "Can you introduce me to Sebastien Bach?" I have no idea what to say, and I can't ask anybody, so here I go again on my own.