Wanda, But No Man In a Gaberdeen Suit

Ordinarily, I like to use the time I spend on the train, reading. Today, however, I had the good fortune of sitting next the basis from which Jamie Foxx drew his character likeness for "Wanda" on "In Living Color." She was having these conversations on her cell phone that were too good to ignore. And they only got better, until I finally put my book down, got my laptop out, and started transcribing what I could of her conversations into a Word document. Apparantly her cell phone got about as much reception as a Dixie Cup and string, so she was forced to yell - these parts of the conversation are italicized, and the elipses are where the person on the other end was talking. I tried to do the best I could with the vernacular, and spelled words phonetically when it was funnier.

And it went like this...

Nah, I WAS engaged... Nah, I called it off.... The whole thing... Nah, I’m not wit'him at all anymore. I don’ wanna be one'a'doze girls that axe like she don’t mess around even dough she do. Dat shit ain’t right. It’s like, "girl, don’t play." I don’t play, I don't play... Yeah, I mean if the shit don't work, I don't need ta fix it. Jus' throw da shit out... I know, right? Nah, he actin' all stupid like I ain't bein fair and shit... I'm like, "Boy, I ain't even tryin to hear that!" No, I'm on the train... The train. Oh shit, girl I gotta take dis call... I'll call you lata... Right... Girl, you know that ain't right!... K, I'll call you back tonight.

(the new call)

'Lo?... You on the train?... Me, too, girl... No I’m in the second car. (she's wrong because we're in the back of the first car) Where’ you at?... The first?... First?... First?... Oh, fourth. Well come up. No, the second... Second. By Jerome. Nah, he never work in the back of the train, he always on the front... You know?... Who told you?... Yeah, I know. It feels like I fell down and scraped the roof of my mouf - and my chin... I don't know... You have some?... Oh, girl, if you could hit me with some of that, that'd be so hot!... You, comin' up here?... No, the second car... K, I'll see you in a second.

(makes a new call)

Hey, wassup girl? It's me.... Nah, I’m on the 9:09... Yeah, the 9:09... The train... 9:09... Oh, to New York... Yeah, I had to... I don't know. I just didn't wanna be one of those girls that acts all innocent and proper and shit when she ain't... No the whole thing... No, we not together at all any more... How should I know?... He don' wanna talk to me no more... Yeah, I just got off the phone wit her. She’s comin up to this car cuz she has Benadryl… No… No… I have a rash... A rash, yeah. Do you know anything about it?... No a rash… yeah, it really itches. It feels like I fell down and scraped my chin and the roof'a my mouf... I know, right?... Yeah, the inside too!... Is it what?... What?... Kahmyoomyerabel? (keep reading, it will make sense in a minute) I said, "it itches..." Oh. Well how'm I sposed to know that? Why couldn' you just say "contagious?" (in case you missed it, she was trying to say "communicable" but it came out "kah-myoom-yer-a-bel") Damn, girl... Really?... You think?... Will my insurance cover that?... A'ight, I call him and make a check-up. You think it might be serious? Ah, shit. K, I'm gonna call him up rigt now so I can get in there an get some medicine or some shit. Should I still take the Benadryl when she gets up here?... How much?... Girl, now you got me scared. I gotta go... Lata.

(yet another call being placed)

Hi, Dr. Miller, this is "Wanda." You can call me back at any time at "555-555-5555." (I refrained from even transcribing her number in my Word Document, so don't even ask) I'm calling because I need a check up so you can look at a rash. It feels like I fell down and scraped the roof of my mouth and my chin. One of my friends said it might be kahmyoomyerabel and that I should make a check up to make sure. My number is "555-555-5555" so you can call me at that number at any time, so I can make a checkup. I'm gonna take some Benadryl for it now, but I don't know if I need to get anything else, which is another reason I want a check up. I'm on my way to work now, but I can probably get out for a check up today if I can come in, so just call my cell and lemme know. My number is "555-555-5555." Thank you.

(one last call)

Hey-ey! I got my review... My REVIEW... What?... No... From work. You know, like, 1 ,2, 3, 4, 5?... Yeah, review... Yeah, I got a 3!... I know, right?... It’s great, girl... Hell yeah, I did!... $500 bonus, girl!... Yeah, we goin' out tonight!... Oh, damn. I'm on the train and we about to go underwater. My cell's gonna cutch'you off. I'll talk to you lata. Bye.